“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”—
—David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest (via estnespes)
DFW you had a gift. In retrospect this is so ominous and eerie and just plain sad :(
this weekend was a good weekend. i didn’t do as much work as i should have, but i saw a lot of people that i should see more of and had a fantastically lazy morning today. andand i finally took the microwave my mom got me out of my trunk and into my apartment so now i can microwave things. and i totally kicked ass in russian last week. not too shabby.
hang out with me more! And I can’t believe you have gone two months without a microwave….
i keep having really weird and creepy thoughts about death and life and the meaning of it all. and questions and thoughts that everyone (or i hope everyone else) has like:
-why are we here?
-is there really a god?
-are we all here by coincidence?
-how do i know that i really exist?
-life is weird. i don’t like it…
-i hope death isn’t eternal nothingness.
and i really hope i’m not crazy. i’ve been getting kind of depressed by my thoughts lately because i’ve been thinking so in depth about them. fuck my wandering mind. i have always had one.
People have been thinking these thoughts since the dawn of time, to use a sincerely beaten cliche. It is a huge part, if not the defining quality, of the human experience to question our reality and existence and purpose.